I have some horrible news to report. If you don’t already know (I announced this on youtube and my facebook page) my beloved and super-amazing cat, Kiki, died a little over a week ago. :( Of course, I was devastated, and still am. He was a wonderful companion and friend. I couldn’t have wished for a better cat. A couple of months ago I rushed Kiki to the hospital, because he was very ill. He almost died then, but managed to survive somehow. We thought maybe he had swallowed some medicine or something, but then the other day he had the same symptoms. We now kind of doubt the medicine theory and believe that he may have had a stroke or some kind of neurological problem. I only wish that I had been there with him, so he didn’t have to die alone at the vet. I also never got to say goodbye or hold him one last time. We got him cremated and I now have a small box with his ashes inside. Not the way I wanted him to come home, but at least he is home now. If only you could have known Kiki, you would have loved him too. I will always miss him.
I’m just going to say it: GOD DAMN DEPRESSION!!! It is so horrible that words cannot describe it, right? You know what I am saying. And, at this moment, I have no idea how many people out there are thinking about or attempting suicide. It is the great loss, the tragic loss…every suicide. I’ve tried wrapping my head around it. Tried thinking of it as someone’s way out of pain, but the truth is, each attempt, every moment spent toiling over it: TRAGIC.
I know that it feels like the only way to relieve the pain. Looking back on my own suicidal ideation and attempts, I can only wonder: WHAT WAS I THINKING!?! Okay, I know what I was thinking…tired. tired of being tired. tired of having this huge pain that I couldn’t really describe, this unending sorrow swallowing me whole. Tired of being a failure, and broke, and stupid, ugly, horrible, disgusting, friendless, and every other bad thing I could think to call myself. But, I don’t know, mostly I didn’t even care if I lived or died. These few pills will take away the pain? Okay, I’ll be dead and it won’t matter anymore. My big dillema was getting rid of my body without horrifying other people.
I know that this next tip will wash over some of you just like water and you won’t be able to take it in. You’ll laugh or cry and think to yourself that I don’t understand or that you don’t have the strength that is needed. But, these are, afterall, tips and tricks for SURVIVING. So you know what is next. For many of us with mind-numbing depression and hopelessness it often seems like suicide is the only and best way to relieve the pain involved with living. So tip number six is:
If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch this video of the bridge that collapsed in Minnesota. What a horrible situation! What is even more lame-ass is that