I’m just going to say it: GOD DAMN DEPRESSION!!! It is so horrible that words cannot describe it, right? You know what I am saying. And, at this moment, I have no idea how many people out there are thinking about or attempting suicide. It is the great loss, the tragic loss…every suicide. I’ve tried wrapping my head around it. Tried thinking of it as someone’s way out of pain, but the truth is, each attempt, every moment spent toiling over it: TRAGIC.
I know that it feels like the only way to relieve the pain. Looking back on my own suicidal ideation and attempts, I can only wonder: WHAT WAS I THINKING!?! Okay, I know what I was thinking…tired. tired of being tired. tired of having this huge pain that I couldn’t really describe, this unending sorrow swallowing me whole. Tired of being a failure, and broke, and stupid, ugly, horrible, disgusting, friendless, and every other bad thing I could think to call myself. But, I don’t know, mostly I didn’t even care if I lived or died. These few pills will take away the pain? Okay, I’ll be dead and it won’t matter anymore. My big dillema was getting rid of my body without horrifying other people. That was always a problem. Nobody wants to see someone dead from suicide and I didn’t want to hurt anyone in that way. Not really realizing that it would hurt everyone more if I had gone out like that.
I know the temptation is strong. Sometimes you just WANT TO HURT YOURSELF! Why we are seemingly propelled in that direction I don’t really understand.
You just need to take suicide off the table as an option. I am always saying that, but it is what you MUST do. It is like you really need an organ transplant, but there are no organs available. You have to figure out a way to deal with things without the possibility of the suicide attempt/completion. Because, I don’t know, the more you think about suicide, the more you start to obsess over and fantascize about it.
You are probably like: fuck! I’m not going to stop thinking about suicide. It is all I have left! No it isn’t! I desperately need you to read my blog! You keep me going! Without readers I am just out here with my ass blowing in the wind! It would be so sad! Okay, you aren’t going to live for a blog, but listen…I can’t have everyone who might possibly understand me in some way drop off the planet!
I don’t care who you are. I seriously don’t want you to die! Because, even if I don’t know you, I *know* that there is at least ONE person who would be devastated by your untimely demise and that one person would never be the same again. You can’t live for other people, but sometimes you have to hold on to them to get through the tough times. So, maybe you are thinking: well, I don’t even have ONE single person in my life who would care! Don’t be stubborn! You know that is NOT true! You may not know it, but to someone you are everything! And to other people, you are someone special.
I am reminded of this group therapy I was in years ago and one of the women in the group killed herself. Didn’t she know we cared? And even though we were only in group together, I naturally blamed myself. Not that I was responsible, but wasn’t there something I could have done differently? Was I too busy yammering about my own life?!?
I don’t know. You just have to do whatever it takes to push suicide out of your brain. You don’t want your death going out into the world like that, because it will ripple through people like you don’t even know.
If you can’t stop thinking about it, call someone up. Call up a crisis line or call a friend. Is it the middle of the night? Even better! Call someone! Tell them you need to talk and get this suicidal stuff out of your head!
I know, it is easy for me to be all anti-suicide now. I am feeling better and thinking better. I am just realizing how it would have totally devastated the people in my life who care about me. When I was there, in the middle of it, obsessing day and night, alone in my apartment or wherever I was, I knew it would hurt people, but I did not really get it. I just didn’t understand or know or allow myself to know how horrible it could have been. I hardly even took it seriously!
You must allow yourself compassion. I say, just DON’T do it, because it is as simple and as hard as that. You cannot do it. You have to take it out of the possiblity pool.
Anyway, I’m sorry for being redundant.
I found this website that I hope can help if you need help. And if you do need help: keep reaching for it.