I finished my pink kitties with the fat fairy pocket today! :) Yay! So glad they are going to a good home!!! :)
Fat
Mental Health Update: Monday, May 28, 2012
2012, Abilify, Acceptance, Anti-anxiety meds, Anti-depressants, Anti-psychotics, Anxiety, Autobiography, Bipap, Body Image, Body Narrative, Brain, Buspar, Depression, Diary Rant, EDNOS, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Hatred, Haldol, Haldol DEC, Haldol Decanoate, Happy, Health, Injections, insanity, Kristin Bell, Medicine, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mood Stabilizers, Prescription Meds, Psych Meds, Psychiatrist, Psychiatry, Psychiatry Denial, Psycho, Psychoactive Substances, Psychology, Psychosis, schizoaffective disorder, Schizophrenia, Sleep, Sleep Disorders, stigma, Weight, ZoloftI thought I’d do a little mental health update, since it has been quite some time since I’ve blogged about my overall mental health. As some of you dear readers may know, I have schizophrenia. I first had issues with it when I was about 15. My first hospitalization was when I was 16. Towards the end of 2000 I got mostly stabilized with my Haldol injections and Zoloft. I haven’t been in the hospital since then! Yay! Quite a long run I’ve had and I hope it continues! For quite some time I had problems getting things done, being motivated and feeling down…that sort of thing, even though I was mostly fine. I think it was last year that I started taking Abilify and it has made a HUGE difference! I’m still taking Zoloft, Buspar, Haldol and some non-psychiatric meds in addition to the Abilify, but the addition of the Abilify was great. I’m doing really pretty well these days. Sometimes I have anxiety, although I think it might generally be related to performance issues with school. I also tried taking Topamax to help with weight loss, but I thought it might be making me stupid and giving me more anxiety, so I quit taking it. I think overall, the Topamax was not helping. It seemed like I was becoming less motivated and more sad with it. I also had that bad anxiety day that I wrote about recently.
So, I think I was just hoping for a magic weightloss bullet with the Topamax. It didn’t work. Boo. I have lost about 90-100 pounds though which is good, but I still need to be less sedentary. I’m also a believer in fat acceptance, but of course it is hard to say that I never want to try to lose weight. I would be an even bigger believer in fat acceptance if I wasn’t actually fat I think!!! hahaha. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is kind of true. I can accept the hell out of everyone’s fatness, but my own! lol.
Anyway, enough about fatness for now. What I want to say is that I’m doing well on the whole. My sleep patterns have improved with my sleep apnea machine, and while I’m not sleeping on any kind of normal schedule yet, I’m getting sleep every day and mostly at the same time! I still tend to be somewhat paranoid, but I’ve found that opening up with people over the years on the internet has really helped me to realize that I don’t need to be afraid of everyone in the world. I still have some delusional thoughts that blow through my brain now and then, but I consider them to be more of a slight annoyance than a big deal right now. But seriously, it is because of the medicine. If I wasn’t taking my meds, and doing so faithfully, I would be in and out of hospitals and massively psychotic. Some people don’t believe me, because I “seem so normal,” but I have to wonder what THAT means anyway? And, I don’t know, it seems like I should be insulted when people say that to me, but I’m not sure why I find it so insulting! I don’t necessarily want to be abnormal, even though I pretty much am, but I think it just bothers me that people attach a kind of value judgement to the term “normal” as if “normal” is superior. It is definitely easier to live in the world if you are “normal,” but it isn’t the only way to be in the world, that’s for sure. Normal is just such a peculiar word, no?
So, I’m doing fine. Some anxiety here and there, some weird thoughts here and there…a depressed mood now and then, but mostly just good. Which is nice. Thank you meds and thank you lucky stars! So, that’s my update after living with schizophrenia for 24 years. Wow! 24 years! Man am I getting old!!! LOL.
My Very First Skirt Alteration!
Art, arts & crafts, Clothes, craft, design, design your own fabric, Extended Plus Size, fabric, fabric design, Fashion, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Illustrated, Kristin Bell, Plus Size, recycled, sewing, sewn, skirt, upcycled
My new skirt!
So, I had this long, black skirt that I rarely wear and I’ve been itching to use some of my fabric designs, so I decided to shorten my skirt a bit and add my fabric (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/1125222) at the bottom of the skirt! For a total newbie, I think it turned out pretty well! I’m quite excited to wear my new skirt now!!! :) Yippee!!! :)
More New Fabrics I Drew!
Art, arts & crafts, Colorful, craft, Cute, design, design your own fabric, fabric, fabric design, Fat, Fat Acceptance, flower, Flowers, Handmade, Illustrated, iPad Art, Kawaii, Kids, Kristin Bell, Pink, quilt, quilting, sewing, The Night CircusHere are some more of my fabrics that I’ve drawn and gotten printed through spoonflower. :)
http://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/kristinbell
Purple Pineapples for Chille
Ode to “The Night Circus” Flowers
Updated “Celia” from “The Night Circus”
Fat Fairies
If I Listened to the World…Rant
Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Hatred, Kristin BellIf I listened to the world I would be dead, because I would know that in every way I should not exist and that I am a worthless piece of shit. People die trying NOT to be like me–fat, crazy, poor. People give up every bit of happiness so they don’t have to be a person like me and I know it. In one moment “friends” will say they love me and in the next moment they are trying their best to be everything I am not. People spend billions of dollars running away from fatness, and oh, you think they just hate their own fat or want to be “healthy.” No. It is pathological–the hate. It is palpable too. I can feel it, the way you can’t stand yourself, so you would do anything in the world to NOT be what I am. But it isn’t all about me. Of course not, but no one even considers how it might make me feel that the thing you cannot stand about yourself is a part of me. Honestly, you don’t get it. I’m sick of it. That people would rather starve themselves and/or their children than to have them end up like me. All human worth can now be counted on a fucking bathroom scale. Are you over or under the weight limit? Well, what’s your answer? Do you weigh the right amount to be considered a human? Or are you the plague. THE reason why the world is in turmoil. THE scapegoat for everything that is wrong in the world.
Because, it isn’t about health and wellness. Let’s be fucking honest.
Are you never going to get sick and die? Perhaps you think that there is a scale that will let you off the hook when it comes to disease and death. What about your capacity to cause misery for other people? Have you ever considered that? No.
Oh, I’m so proud of you for not eating. I’m so proud of you for being thin. I’m so proud of you for obsessing about your weight and the weight of those around you to the point of nausea. Because THAT’S WHAT MATTERS, isn’t it? Why does it pain you so much to be real? Admit that you hate your fat and you hate fat people and everything that is fat makes you cringe and you’d rather have people like me die. Why not admit it to yourself? Because you admit it to me every time you talk about another diet or another pound lost or another pair of skinny jeans and every time you buy into the diet industry and pray to god that you’ll just lose another ten pounds or keep those ten pounds from coming back. Because you aren’t even fucking fat! Or maybe you are. I don’t know and I don’t care. It is all the same anymore.
And, I know you don’t care about me, so I have to care for myself. I have to tune out the world and pretend I don’t hear your ranting and raving about “being healthy” and “being a better role model.” If I listened to you and everyone else I would be dead. I’d shoot myself in the head and end it all if I really really listened, because I would know that my worth was measured on your bathroom scale. How pathetic is that? That you measure worth on a bathroom scale? In case you don’t know, IT IS FUCKING PATHETIC!!!
It is fucking pathetic that I even have to waste a few of my precious brain cells thinking about this nonsense instead of something REAL or something IMPORTANT. My message to you and you and you and you: suck it up. Lose the weight or don’t. I really don’t care. Shut up about it already. You can suck your diets and surgeries and miracle cures and “health” reports and “nutrition facts” and blah de blah blah blah blah blah! Just suck it!
I’m Confused…
Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Hatred, identity, Kristin Bell, Mental Health, Mental Illness, SchizophreniaI’ve been reading a lot about identity lately. First I was reading about identity for an art history class and then just for fun. I just finished reading Revolting Bodies: The Struggle to Redefine Fat Identity by Kathleen LeBesco—great book by the way. Obviously from the title, the book was about identity. I’ve also been reading some bell hooks and some other stuff. And, what I’ve decided is that mostly I AM CONFUSED! I’m not confused in the way that someone can tell me who and what I am. I am confused in a way that I seem to have been confused all my life, but I don’t know, is it normal? For me it is.
What am I talking about? Well, okay, in talking about fat identity LeBesco actually discusses this kind of confusion. The confusion where I want to be all fat-positive all the time, but then there are times when I hate myself. There are times when I feel like I just*want*to*lose*weight, but I still want to be a fat activist! lol I want to be a fat activist as long as I can be a skinny fat activist—an ally and not a “victim.” I want to be out and proud about my mental illness, but then I feel like no one will ever want to date me, because they think I’m defective. But, who really thinks I’m defective? It seems like I do. Why do I feel like that? Am I defective? What would it even mean to be non-defective, because I’m not a machine! But then again, people DO think poorly of the mentally ill. It isn’t like most people would purposely pick a mentally ill person as a love interest, and WHAT IN THE WORLD would it mean for a non-mentally ill person to seek out a mentally ill person for a love interest?!?
I also wonder about the whole “health” aspect of being fat. Do I eat too much and the wrong things and not get enough exercise? Yes, yes, yes. So, it is my fault I’m fat. Why don’t I try to be healthier? Why would I reject wanting to be healthier? Because, obviously on some level I do reject it. Maybe not all of it is “my fault” of course. At least I don’t think so. Then I’m being too easy on myself. But why do I have to be perfect?
I’m similarly confused with my politics and my understanding of myself as female. I like being female and I hate it too. I want to be a feminist and at the same time I wonder how I can possibly be a feminist when I don’t support myself fully? Does being a feminist mean you pay for everything yourself? I used to think so, but it seems like I’m still mostly a feminist even though I live with my parents. Another thing is that I have doubts about going full throttle into things. Can I be a good feminist if I don’t go gung-ho? What if, god-forbid, I disagree with other feminists?!?
I’m like this in so many ways…one foot in the door the other out. I have this inner dialogue of contempt for the world and myself sometimes, but then I try to fight that a lot (other times not so much). I truly think that one of the reasons why I love Hello Kitty so much is that I can full-throttle love everything Hello Kitty without caring if it is right or wrong or true or false or up or down to love all things Hello Kitty. I know that sounds absurd, but I think it might be true. I don’t care if people think I’m weird or childish. I just love Hello Kitty! I don’t feel so free in other areas of my life. I try to be fat-positive, I try to stomp out mental illness stigma, I try to align my politics with things that I think are right, but it is mostly tempered. Even my educational goals are splintered. I can’t pick just one thing and get on with it, so I study as many things as I can.
What does this mean for my identity and how I construct it? It is kind of like I’m living in the margins of the margins. I’m marginalized by who I am, and then again I marginalize myself by thinking I’m not fully one thing or the other. I live in the ether, because I refuse or can’t choose to live on terra-firma. Is it easier to live in the ether? I suppose in ways it could be, but it really seems difficult at times. I sometimes desperately desire to say “I AM THIS!” and “THIS IS WHAT I’M ABOUT!” but I can never manage that. I want to know what I’m about. Don’t we all?
Yah, Barbie Totally Needs to Lose Weight!
Anorexia, Barbie, Binge Eating, Body, Body Image, Bulimia, Children, Compulsive Eating, Compulsive Exercising, dolls, Eating Disorders, EDNOS, Fashion, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Figure, Grrls/Women, Kristin Bell, ModelMuse, Obsessions, Plus Size, Thin, Weight, Weightloss, Weightloss Industry
WHAT?!? Yes, it is true. They now make an even skinnier Barbie! Apparently she wasn’t thin enough, so they have flattened her out some more. It is okay with me, as long as they make a FAT BARBIE, which they never will do! It is hard to say how much Barbie really warps young minds, but I do think she has had some influence over generations of girls. There have been endless discussions about the body image of Barbie of course, but Barbie is only a part of what the issue is. While Americans get fatter, body image issues get more complex and the Hollywood image of beauty gets thinner and thinner. I guess I can’t be too surprised by Barbie’s new look, but did Barbie really have to go there?!? At least her boobs are smaller, but the dolls are seriously anorexic. Barbie was so thin and out of proportion before. What good could come of anorexic Barbie dolls I ask you?
Steps To Body Acceptance: A Process
Acceptance, Anorexia, Binge Eating, Body, Body Image, Bulimia, Compulsive Eating, Compulsive Exercising, Discrimination, Eating Disorders, EDNOS, Extended Plus Size, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Hatred, Health, Kristin Bell, Mental Health, Plus Size, Self-Harm, Steps To Body Acceptance, Supersize, Thin, Weight, Weightloss, Weightloss Industry
It has been a long while since I’ve written about body acceptance. I sort of ran out of “steps” that I could think of. For me, it really is a process. I told my therapist that when it comes to weight, weightloss and size acceptance, I feel like I am walking on a balance beam. Not quite a tightrope, but still balancing nonetheless.
Over this past year quite a lot has changed. My blood sugar levels were elevated with an A1C level of 6.3, so my nurse practitioner qualified me as diabetic. She also did other blood work and discovered that I was really low in Vitamin D and that my thyroid was off (hypothyroidism ), so I started meds for those too. I decided that I was sick of people suggesting that I get a gastric bypass, and I felt like I really could be in better shape, so with the combo of meds for my thyroid and blood sugar, watching what I eat a little more, and getting a bit of exercise, I have lost some weight.
However, I still want to maintain my outlook as one of size-acceptance. I know it seems kind of weird to say I am for size-acceptance and still be trying to lose some weight. There really is no manual for this kind of thing, so I’m just working on it as best I can. I am taking steps to improve my health. I got my A1C level down to 5.3 (non-diabetic) so far and my other labs are looking better. I’m still taking meds, but I’m TRYING to take a bit better care of my body. I know that at my size I am not quite as healthy as I could be, but I also know that I am not going to starve myself and turn into a raging bulimic again to try to maintain and lose weight (well, I really hope not at any rate!!!).
But, it is hard in some respects, because when I do make some attempt to pay attention to what I am eating, all of those negative thoughts tend to come back to haunt me. Thoughts like if I eat something “bad” I am being a “bad” person. My therapist calls thoughts like that ANTS (automatic negative thoughts). You know, some months I might gain some weight or not lose weight, and I have to be okay with that.
As a person who has struggled with weight issues all of my life, it isn’t like losing weight is just a matter of calories in and calories out. It is a whole quilt of past experiences, thoughts and feelings related to weight and how I have dealt with things throughout my life as a fat person.
So, I feel like I’m in a process of understanding how to accept myself and my body while trying to take some steps to improve my health. For me, it is important to remember that at the end of the day, the whole world drifts away and what matters is how *I* feel and how *I* can function and accept my body in this life. So, maybe I want to lose some more weight, but I still eat. I still eat “bad” stuff and I’m not ever going to live on a diet of celery, that is for sure. I don’t want to give up my life and I don’t want to give up eating. I just want to live my life the best I can!
P.S. And just so you know I am not anywhere near skinny, I have posted a picture of myself that was taken a couple of days ago! lol
Better Hair Day Poem
Diary Rant, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Hatred, Kristin Bell, Poetryat least I have hair!
my face could be uglier, so I guess it isn’t that bad.
at least I still have all parts of my body.
my life is not that bad…sometimes I exaggerate.
I’m going to die someday.
But I’ve done some cool stuff.
At least a few people will care when I’m gone.
It matters to me if I die and if people care.
On some level we matter.
I don’t know on what level in the grand scheme of things.
Here’s what they can say about me:
She was fat her whole life and took up room and made it known that she was alive!
Bad Hair Day Poem
Diary Rant, Fat, Fat Hatred, Kristin Bell, Poetrymy hair is ugly.
my face is ugly.
my body is ugly.
my life is ugly.
I’m going to die soon.
I haven’t done anything good.
No one will care when I’m gone.
It doesn’t matter.
None of us matter in the end of time.
Maybe some people will matter for a while.
But not me.
Here’s what they can say about me:
She was fat her whole life and took up too much room.
kristinbell.org 