I hate to be so blunt…okay, I really don’t mind, but my mother really wouldn’t approve of such language. heh. Anyway, it really is a major chore realizing you are fucked up in the head. There’s no easy way to put it and no easy way to realize it.
Okay, maybe I could just say “mentally ill,” but that phrase seems so sterile to me compared to what it is really like to realize you are fucked up. I remember when I first became sick, and for years after honestly, I SERIOUSLY thought *I* was not the one who was screwed up, but that everyone around me needed therapy instead. I probably even told my parents that they should go to therapy instead of me.
Still, my life just seems like my boring old life to me. I hardly seem as messed up as I actually have been in real life. Doesn’t everyone try to kill themselves these days?!? I mean really! Don’t most people have eating disorders? No? What? And the psychosis? Well, I know that isn’t *quite* normal, but it isn’t THAT bizarre once it happens to you. Only, it kind of is bizarre. I guess a little more strange than “normal.” I just have to laugh about it all. It seems so ridiculous! All of it. My whole life really seems spectacularly odd is all. I really can’t imagine a life more “normal” than mine. That is why I am always surprised when I talk about one little thing in my life and people look at me funny.
Anyway, back to the realizing you are fucked up in the head. If you are new to the business of realizing it, just take the time and let it sink in, because it takes a LONG LONG time to really let it absorb properly. I think it is because once pretty much ALL of us were in the “normal” spectrum, even the ones like me who eventually jump ship into crazy-land. It seems to me like everyone pretty much likes to be “normal” in some way, even if you are a “normal” tightrope walker or a “normal” person with blue hair who likes to hang from your piercings. There is still a community for your type of normal out there. When we are kids, we are all sort of “normal.” No one really says to their teacher “yah, I want to grow up to be the guy who walks around the streets talking to voices! YAH!!!”
A lot of people say “oh, you shouldn’t use terms like ‘normal’. No one is really ‘normal’ anyway!” But really, there are NORMAL people in the world, even if the term is somewhat corrupt, so I am going to use the word normal and I’m going to quit using quote marks around it by God! haha.
I know that I am somewhat normal in some ways, but in other ways not so much, and that is okay. We grow up thinking that we want to be superstars and the best of something, but no one really wants to be completely off the charts weird. I’m just going to say, you can survive being weird. You don’t have to be a superstar. It is just important to realize that in some ways you, or at least I, am different from normal people. Part of accepting my mental illness means accepting my non-normalness, because if you think you are normal, you most likely won’t take your medication, and for people like me, people with schizophrenia, you need to realize that medication will and does help if you are on the right meds.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It is just something I was thinking about as I was looking out the window today. Specifically, I was thinking with a chuckle how I used to think that it was everyone else who needed a psychiatrist and NOT me. And it was just so hard realizing how it was me that was messed up and me that needed help. That’s all.
5 thoughts on “It Is a Major Chore Realizing You Are Fucked Up…”
even “normal” people are fucked up in the head , its only people like you (diagnosed with a medical condition) who actually learn to accept it! anyway it makes life interesting!
hi kristin :)
is it weird of me to have posted my name, such as i did… because i Don’t think so (which is usually what qualifies me as somebody who is mentally deranged).
my mind, my body, my personality, my character, my behavior, my emotions and my spirit have all been abused throughout my entire life. there is not one part of me that has not been faulted, negated, judged, criticized and devalued. i have been poked, provoked, examined, scrutinized, analyzed, categorized, documented, recorded, labeled and even criminalized… relentlessly (which apparently, all of these things are quite normal human behavior). it has become a real torture and i feel like i have become a Thing. should i go get some me more help or is the greatest help in *finally* being left alone?
i don’t think of myself as fucked up and i don’t think of myself as mentally ill. i think “mental illness” is a lie and there is no such thing.
i started to catch on that there really was something wrong with the whole “diagnosis of my mind” bullshit. i now have what i call “the evolution of a diagnosis” and basically what it is… is a laughable list of everything that’s supposedly wrong with me. i seriously just laugh at it because there’s NO WAY that i am THAT defective. i just can’t be and god-damn, if i am THAT defective then i deserve a crown of achievement like no other human in all of time and creation.
few simple points: first, please be aware that what i am going to share with you could be shocking or upsetting or confusing. it could be also be enlightening, champion and refreshing.
everyone has a psyche. you can’t not have a psyche. what are the various states of psyche? psychic, psychotic and drugged / medicated / prescribed. i wonder if there is more.
what does it mean to have ears to hear and eyes to see? in my grand opinion, i say it means to be telepathic and clairvoyant. if so true, there is no such thing as schizophrenia. so then… what’s the difference between psychic and psychotic or the difference between telepathic and schizophrenia?
when a mind does not know and is not aware and does not understand what it is experiencing, it goes through very severe SCREAMING and BLARING symptoms. when a mind is clear and tuned, we are Highly Intuitive. what exactly do people think and believe we are intuitive about? is intuition purely dark and silent or is there some imagery and sound? will the sound be only harmonies or melodies or will there be actual words and in different voices; male and female? sometimes, the voice of a child will come through.
the fact is, you can “talk” inside of your mind. we all can. each mind is interconnected in one, global mind. because we are interconnected, we truly can “talk” to other minds, from within.
furthermore, the mind is a very real place. a lot of people are more honest on the inside than they ever would be on the outside. people, in their minds, imagine and act out things that they’d never say or do “on the other side” meaning, the outside. on the inside, a lot of people think and feel badly. they very often imagine violence, which explains why sometimes hearing voices is extremely unpleasant.
we are all “programmed” with the same FOUL language. it streams though the global mind, unceasingly. it never stops. there are people who cry out, from within. highly intuitive minds can and do hear them.
without a proper education to know and understand these things, no person can ever make the healing progress that they are literally DYING for.
so, NO. none of us are really fucked up (except for the sexual fantasies that are imagined which of course, sensitive minds can and do tune-in to. THAT usually is quite lawless). ahem.
so, i haven’t sugar coated anything. life is what it is. it’s a messy, messy world… with mega-tons of VOICES (known as people or minds). lots of horror and terror and pain and cruelty and violence and abuse that happens down here in the real world. the inside and the outside aren’t really so different except maybe, the inside for a lot of people really is much, much worse.
oh, last thing… you’re right. if you think you need a mind doctor, then YES, everybody else in the whole wide world does, too. don’t accept the false belief that other people are healthier than you; they’re probably just much better at hiding what people like you and i aren’t allowed to.
It would be very comforting to believe that the things that go on in my mind are in some way a reflection of what is happening in others minds, that I am telepathic and know what the other is thinking or feeling. It would mean there was no risk, no uncertainty, no need to just do what you want, without having to take others feelings into account.
Do you remember when taking others peoples feelings and what they might be thinking seemed like the only way you could survive, because otherwise “they” would “kill you”? Do you know what I mean?
That was then. the world we live in is not really like that. We were brought up in an abnormal way. The past is another country. we dont live in that country anymore. We live in the frontier. Each day we learn that its ok to be ourselves. We dont need to fear them and their thoughts and feelings. That was then. This is now: New, unpredictable, amazing.
Omg I could not agree with you more. I’ve always had the same thought but never really knew how to put it into words. I have mental illness..thought i’m not entirely sure what it is excatly, but its scary. And I wish i didnt have it.
I’ve been watching your videos for awhile, but I just discovered your blog and I just gotta say, wow, you are so articulate. I can totally relate to all of this.