Standard Ill-Conceived Diary Rant

Diary Rant, Health, Kristin Bell, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Problems, Psychiatry, Schizophrenia, Surviving

First, my apologies, because I fear that this post will just be a standard, ill-conceived diary rant. Sometimes I don’t know what else to do than to simply spew words on a screen (I was going to say on a page, but there aren’t any “pages” in the computer world exactly.) It is 5:30am on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I feel like I’m coming untethered sometimes. The only thing that I’ve found that works is to simply push on. Wait. And wait, for time to pass. Sleep some more. Wake up in a different space.

Sometimes it works. I mean to say, now that I’m on medication it works. It never really worked well before other than to say that I survived, and I guess that is saying something. But now, I usually DO wake up in a better mood, but lately…ugh…I don’t want to do anything. God forbid someone should put a gun to my head and try to force me to do something, because I’d probably end up with a bullet to my brain instead!

Maybe it has something to do with my chaotic sleep schedule (or lack of schedule). I’m either sleeping all the time or none of the time it seems. I hate both. I sleep too much and it just makes me tired and makes me sleep more. I sleep too little and then I can’t get to sleep at all and I feel like crap. Why can’t I just try harder to iron things out?

I don’t know why I can’t try harder. There are so many areas in my life where I NEED to try harder, but then I get tired or distracted. I don’t even return email or letters in a proper fashion. People probably think I don’t care, but I do. I just get stuck.

Well, there is no point to this rant. It is just a rant. Maybe I’ll be more awake in a little while and the world will seem a better place and I will feel less blah.

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