College: The PitsOctober 29, 2007 at 11:09 pm | Posted in Acceptance, Allies, Anonymous, Depression, Downers, Drama, Education, Friends, Kristin Bell, Mental Health, Old School, Oregon, Reading, Support System, Work | 9 Comments
Okay, I have to admit this. College has really been the pits for me. It just wasn’t all I thought it was cracked up to be. I’ve gone to let me count them now…six different colleges for one huge spree of undergraduate education. I’m approximately $46,000 in debt and I have NO IDEA how I am going to pay that bill. Part of the reason why I’m still in school is to continue having my loans be in deferment. If I can make it to the end of this year, I might be able to get 4 more bachelor’s degrees with 3 more minors, but really I can’t even hold down a job, so I am screwed.
I have spent every last dime that I have had on my education. I have spent years and years hoping it would get better; that I would have an “aha” moment when I realized that I finally found my calling. It never happened. Well, it happened a little with the art history classes I took until I was pretty much talked out of pursuing an advanced degree in art history. There will be no money for that graduate education, I’d have to work like a slave, I would be poor the entire time, highly in debt when I got out and I’d never be able to find a job once I did get a coveted Ph.D. Great. Next please. I don’t need more debt. I don’t need more bullshit in my life.
Now, I don’t know. I guess this will be it for me. Once I finish these last few courses I don’t know if I will ever go to school again. I’m completely burned out right now. Maybe it is because work turned out to be abysmal. I don’t know. I never found a place in college. I never found friends or a group to belong to. The entire time I’ve been on this solitary path. A few teachers know my name, but that’s it. I doubt I could even get recommendations from any one. I’ve failed so many times as a student. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of the game of it. Is there even reward in going to school? I don’t even know anymore.
When I left high school I was so excited to go to college. I thought that I would find a place where I could really be myself and where I could really shine. Instead I found myself battling depression, loneliness, schizophrenia and uninspired courses. I don’t think the whole college experience was horrible, but I really want to read my own books. I want to go at my own pace and discover things on my own. I’m tired of taking tests to prove myself. I’m tired especially of having horrible teachers. I’m tired of going to school with people who are so lame.
I really don’t even like my college that much. The people who go there are by and large not interested in being friends with anyone. No one cares about anyone else. People just shuffle in and out. There is no there there. For a place where I spend so much time, it is pretty pathetic that I can’t even get any community support. I need social support. I need a social support network and I have never found it in college. I feel disgruntled about that. College is supposed to provide some kind of social support network, but it never has. We are all adults, so we can just sink or swim I guess.
This is all colored by my recent troubles at work of course. I don’t like being treated like shit and now everyone there is snubbing me. I don’t even care. I mean, I do care, but what can I do? I’m just sorry that I ever won the ice cream prize, that I ever entered in the first place. I’m sorry I ever opened up my life and my heart to any of those people. I really do not need this bullshit in my life. I don’t need to be snubbed by another person at work or school.
What I really want to do is crawl into my bed for about a year and never come out. I want to stay home with my parents and work on writing a memoir, work on my blog and work on making friends and videos on youtube. I’m tired of going out into the world only to be hurt by people. I’m tired of going to school and being a nameless, faceless seat number.
I’m just rambling here and I don’t even care. I don’t care if everyone on the planet hates this blog. Who cares? No one is going to like anything I do anyway. The only people who really love me are my parents and maybe some of my parents’ friends and my brother tolerates me. Nobody else gives a fuck. Gah. I am in such a bad mood. This is what a bad work and school environment does to me. It makes me hopeless and it makes me depressed.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow. Yes, this will pass. Well, some of it will at least. Some of it won’t. My life is so much easier than most peoples’ lives I shouldn’t even complain, but I will anyway. Cheer up, self. Okay, maybe tomorrow will be better.
I have no idea.