Okay, I have to admit this. College has really been the pits for me. It just wasn’t all I thought it was cracked up to be. I’ve gone to let me count them now…six different colleges for one huge spree of undergraduate education. I’m approximately $46,000 in debt and I have NO IDEA how I am going to pay that bill. Part of the reason why I’m still in school is to continue having my loans be in deferment. If I can make it to the end of this year, I might be able to get 4 more bachelor’s degrees with 3 more minors, but really I can’t even hold down a job, so I am screwed.
I have spent every last dime that I have had on my education. I have spent years and years hoping it would get better; that I would have an “aha” moment when I realized that I finally found my calling. It never happened. Well, it happened a little with the art history classes I took until I was pretty much talked out of pursuing an advanced degree in art history. There will be no money for that graduate education, I’d have to work like a slave, I would be poor the entire time, highly in debt when I got out and I’d never be able to find a job once I did get a coveted Ph.D. Great. Next please. I don’t need more debt. I don’t need more bullshit in my life.
Now, I don’t know. I guess this will be it for me. Once I finish these last few courses I don’t know if I will ever go to school again. I’m completely burned out right now. Maybe it is because work turned out to be abysmal. I don’t know. I never found a place in college. I never found friends or a group to belong to. The entire time I’ve been on this solitary path. A few teachers know my name, but that’s it. I doubt I could even get recommendations from any one. I’ve failed so many times as a student. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of the game of it. Is there even reward in going to school? I don’t even know anymore.
When I left high school I was so excited to go to college. I thought that I would find a place where I could really be myself and where I could really shine. Instead I found myself battling depression, loneliness, schizophrenia and uninspired courses. I don’t think the whole college experience was horrible, but I really want to read my own books. I want to go at my own pace and discover things on my own. I’m tired of taking tests to prove myself. I’m tired especially of having horrible teachers. I’m tired of going to school with people who are so lame.
I really don’t even like my college that much. The people who go there are by and large not interested in being friends with anyone. No one cares about anyone else. People just shuffle in and out. There is no there there. For a place where I spend so much time, it is pretty pathetic that I can’t even get any community support. I need social support. I need a social support network and I have never found it in college. I feel disgruntled about that. College is supposed to provide some kind of social support network, but it never has. We are all adults, so we can just sink or swim I guess.
This is all colored by my recent troubles at work of course. I don’t like being treated like shit and now everyone there is snubbing me. I don’t even care. I mean, I do care, but what can I do? I’m just sorry that I ever won the ice cream prize, that I ever entered in the first place. I’m sorry I ever opened up my life and my heart to any of those people. I really do not need this bullshit in my life. I don’t need to be snubbed by another person at work or school.
What I really want to do is crawl into my bed for about a year and never come out. I want to stay home with my parents and work on writing a memoir, work on my blog and work on making friends and videos on youtube. I’m tired of going out into the world only to be hurt by people. I’m tired of going to school and being a nameless, faceless seat number.
I’m just rambling here and I don’t even care. I don’t care if everyone on the planet hates this blog. Who cares? No one is going to like anything I do anyway. The only people who really love me are my parents and maybe some of my parents’ friends and my brother tolerates me. Nobody else gives a fuck. Gah. I am in such a bad mood. This is what a bad work and school environment does to me. It makes me hopeless and it makes me depressed.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow. Yes, this will pass. Well, some of it will at least. Some of it won’t. My life is so much easier than most peoples’ lives I shouldn’t even complain, but I will anyway. Cheer up, self. Okay, maybe tomorrow will be better.
I have no idea.
kristinbell.org 
Kristin, I’m so sorry you’re so depressed. Many times I’ve felt just like you. Right now, the place I work sucks and I feel like such an outsider there. I feel like I can’t trust anyone I work with and I don’t really consider any of them friends. At work I feel very alone. This makes me never want to go back to school to pursue a graduate degree. Many days I want to crawl in my bed and sleep forever, but then I get pissed at them and myself because I let their stupidity cause me to doubt myself. Please cheer up and know that I have come to love your blog and your youtube videos. You’re a sweet, intelligent person! Sending you hugs and keep your head up!
Kristin,
I understand totally how you feel. You are an incredible person, with an exciting perspective on life. I think you should write a memoir and research some publishing companies, maybe that will help your debt. Consider it a side project.
All of this on your site is extremely interesting and definitely an investment I might say. I truly believe you can get your writings published.Please keep up whatever your doing. Your totally worth it. You open up lots of doors in your blog, and your always interesting. I can never get bored.
I hope you feel better, and step back into the spotlight.
Take care Kristin,
-Jane
Kristin I care about you! When I watch your videos, I’m amazed at how smart you are! Actually Lindsey and I often talk about it. This world we live in is very difficult to swim through, but you can’t hide from it! I know this hiding trick, I’ve done this many times and it doesn’t work either. I wish that I had answers for you, but unfortunately I don’t. Take care, and well you know you can email anytime!
Maryann
I’m so sorry you are depressed and having a hard time! I can totally relate to your college experience. I went for four years, got a bachelor’s degree in something that I found I didn’t like(graphic design) and I made 0 friends the entire time I was there. I don’t drink or do drugs and that was pretty much what everyone around me talked about.
I’m trying to make money by selling my art. You are a great writer so I bet you could find some way to make money from doing something writing related! There’s a site called http://www.stevepavlina.com and he blogs about self improvement and ways to make money without a normal job. I’ve found some good tips there.
Well, I don’t know what the answer is, but I know how you feel and I just hope that you feel better soon!
Thanks to Rolana, Jane, Maryann and Lindsey! Your words of encouragement were really awesome and just what I needed to hear! I REALLY appreciate you taking the time to write. Thank you all so much! :) kristin
Interesting I’ve been dealing with similiar things. I just can’t believe how ugly and nasty people are. I can’t imagine how people without good family/friends can develop the strength to deal with these pieces of you know what? I really don’t get it how people think they can treat others the way they want . Just who the H— do they think they are?? I would ask THAT directly to them? Ohyeah and document everything as I am now doing with regardto people at my job.
By the way, is “FSU” Florida State University? If so, we need to talk.
Yah, it is amazing how grownups can act like little babies…well, worse than little babies sometimes. Oh, it is actually PSU not FSU. My pumpkin carving skillz are not that hot! hehe :)
Hi Kristin!
I totally get it. I so understand what are you talking about. I mean, people are nasty. This is a wicked world, at least I see it that way.
When I was in high school, it was a nightmare. Most of the time I felt like shit. I had friends tho, without them I don’t know where I would be now. Still, some of them turned out something else in the end, but that is a whole different story.
Now I am in this university, and I was thinking, man, this is my place for sure! Well, it’s not, actually. But I desided to change my way of thinking. See, I always was ashamed of myself, trying to hide who I really am. Trying to fit in, if you know what I mean. So, now it’s all over. I’m not taking any shit from anyone, anymore. I went out, and started to live my life. I don’t wanna sound like Dr. Phil, but really, we have only one life, this one. Now if I don’t like someone or I just fell that someone don’t like me, I don’t care. I speak what I want and just be myself. Some people were actually sayng that I have a big ego! Haha. I was the unnoticeable person for so long, that I feel like now I can shine! Ofcourse, sometimes I feel like I wanna go to bed and wake up a year after, but well, life is a bitch, and so am I :)
Gosh this is a long reply, sorry about that. I guess what I wanna say is, screw them! Go out girl, have fun, be yourself! I never believed that, but now I do; real beauty is inside us, all we need to do is show it to other people! Don’t care about what people think, you know who you are! Start with something small, like, a juicy little swear to someone who you truly dislike! :) It helps.
Hope you are doing better anyway, and I wish you all the best!
With Love, Lexi
Hi Lexi!
Love your reply! Thank you so much! Haha. I love that: juicy little swear to someone who you truly dislike! Gotta love it! I think I might try it! hehe :)
I am doing better. Thank you dear!
:) hugs + peace, kristin