Sometimes when I’m driving home or just laying around I think about how fortunate I really am. I think about all of the horror and terror in the world and I want to cry. I want to cry simply because of the horror, but also because I know the world doesn’t have to be like that. In my corner of the world I think it is like heaven on Earth sometimes. When it has just rained and everything is still wet and smelling like rain it is beautiful here. The trees and flowers glisten. I drive home into my driveway and my cat, Kiki, runs to greet me! What could be more precious than a cat running to greet you?!?
I have enough food to eat, water to drink, a bed to sleep in, the latest technology, good psych meds, a great psychiatrist, a wonderful therapist and nurse practitioner, an amazing family, a terrific and fun job, two beautiful and loving cats, a comfortable even newish car, a good eye doctor, health insurance, I’m educated and well, I’m doing pretty well for someone with schizophrenia. Oh yeah, and the greatest thing of all: right now I have my sanity. I am so fortunate in so many ways. I just wish that everyone had the fortunes that I have.
Sure, there is still death looming. A terrorist could blow me up tomorrow. An asteroid could destroy the planet at any time. There could be an earthquake or tsunami that wipes everything out. I could get raped or mugged or killed. Everything could come to a grinding halt and my world could blow apart in the next second or two.
But in these moments, when my parents are still alive, my brother is alive, my cats are alive and I am alive, it does seem like something magical. Do I have debt that I’m worried about? Yes. Am I rich? No. But it could be worse. Much much worse. So, R. doesn’t love me. He probably doesn’t even like me. I don’t know. It is his loss. So I don’t really have many friends. So I have schizophrenia and have to take medicine. It is okay.
I look out the window and see the birds in the back yard or watch the trees in the neighbor’s yard sway in the wind. It is a lush life. I want to take these moments and make them last a lifetime. Like the other day when I got caught in a rainstorm. It was fantastic and it left me shivering, but I think back to myself hiding under a tree and in that moment all there was was the feeling of rain on my skin. I looked around and where people are normally buzzing to and from class it was almost empty of people. Everyone was hiding from the rain. I remember being worried about my make-up streaking down my face and my shirt sticking to my body in its wetness. I didn’t want to be late for class. Anyway, it is moments like that that make me glad I am alive.