Hey Everybody! I’m really excited about this new show on TNT called “Perception.” http://www.tntdrama.com/series/perception/
It stars Eric McCormack (of Will & Grace fame) as a university professor, author and crime solver who is also living with schizophrenia! I’m always skeptical of depictions of people with mental illness on TV and in movies, because they usually make them out to be psychopathic killers or something. I’ve watched the first two episodes of the show so far, and I think they do an excellent job of making the character seem like a regular human being! It is so fantastic! They use the hallucinations as kind of a dramatic device and employ some other Beautiful Mind-esque devices to try to make it like the viewer can see what the character is seeing. Some commenters have argued that it doesn’t show the horrific aspects of schizophrenia enough, but I personally like that they are showing him to be a regular person, and an intelligent one at that! I like that they show him holding down a job, interacting with people socially, and using the help of other people to reality test. I’m excited to see how the character and the show develop and I hope it gets picked up for another season! Please check it out if you get a chance! Again, it is on TNT Monday nights. Here is the TNT link: http://www.tntdrama.com/series/perception/
I’m taking a Women’s Studies course at school and we are looking at the topic of Motherhood. This week we are discussing motherhood and disabilities, and I came across this wonderful video series that is made by a student about a mother who has schizophrenia and how it has impacted her life and the life of her daughter. I think he did a really good job! The video is divided into four parts and I hope you watch all four parts! :)
I thought I’d do a little mental health update, since it has been quite some time since I’ve blogged about my overall mental health. As some of you dear readers may know, I have schizophrenia. I first had issues with it when I was about 15. My first hospitalization was when I was 16. Towards the end of 2000 I got mostly stabilized with my Haldol injections and Zoloft. I haven’t been in the hospital since then! Yay! Quite a long run I’ve had and I hope it continues! For quite some time I had problems getting things done, being motivated and feeling down…that sort of thing, even though I was mostly fine. I think it was last year that I started taking Abilify and it has made a HUGE difference! I’m still taking Zoloft, Buspar, Haldol and some non-psychiatric meds in addition to the Abilify, but the addition of the Abilify was great. I’m doing really pretty well these days. Sometimes I have anxiety, although I think it might generally be related to performance issues with school. I also tried taking Topamax to help with weight loss, but I thought it might be making me stupid and giving me more anxiety, so I quit taking it. I think overall, the Topamax was not helping. It seemed like I was becoming less motivated and more sad with it. I also had that bad anxiety day that I wrote about recently.
So, I think I was just hoping for a magic weightloss bullet with the Topamax. It didn’t work. Boo. I have lost about 90-100 pounds though which is good, but I still need to be less sedentary. I’m also a believer in fat acceptance, but of course it is hard to say that I never want to try to lose weight. I would be an even bigger believer in fat acceptance if I wasn’t actually fat I think!!! hahaha. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is kind of true. I can accept the hell out of everyone’s fatness, but my own! lol.
Anyway, enough about fatness for now. What I want to say is that I’m doing well on the whole. My sleep patterns have improved with my sleep apnea machine, and while I’m not sleeping on any kind of normal schedule yet, I’m getting sleep every day and mostly at the same time! I still tend to be somewhat paranoid, but I’ve found that opening up with people over the years on the internet has really helped me to realize that I don’t need to be afraid of everyone in the world. I still have some delusional thoughts that blow through my brain now and then, but I consider them to be more of a slight annoyance than a big deal right now. But seriously, it is because of the medicine. If I wasn’t taking my meds, and doing so faithfully, I would be in and out of hospitals and massively psychotic. Some people don’t believe me, because I “seem so normal,” but I have to wonder what THAT means anyway? And, I don’t know, it seems like I should be insulted when people say that to me, but I’m not sure why I find it so insulting! I don’t necessarily want to be abnormal, even though I pretty much am, but I think it just bothers me that people attach a kind of value judgement to the term “normal” as if “normal” is superior. It is definitely easier to live in the world if you are “normal,” but it isn’t the only way to be in the world, that’s for sure. Normal is just such a peculiar word, no?
So, I’m doing fine. Some anxiety here and there, some weird thoughts here and there…a depressed mood now and then, but mostly just good. Which is nice. Thank you meds and thank you lucky stars! So, that’s my update after living with schizophrenia for 24 years. Wow! 24 years! Man am I getting old!!! LOL.
I was just informed of this great project called Schizowhat? that is a website aimed at raising awareness about schizophrenia. For those of you who don’t know, I have schizophrenia. I was first diagnosed when I was about 15/16 years old. I hope others of you who are interested or in some way impacted by schizophrenia will check out the website and contribute! Let’s fight the stigma! Yay!
I hate to be so blunt…okay, I really don’t mind, but my mother really wouldn’t approve of such language. heh. Anyway, it really is a major chore realizing you are fucked up in the head. There’s no easy way to put it and no easy way to realize it.
Okay, maybe I could just say “mentally ill,” but that phrase seems so sterile to me compared to what it is really like to realize you are fucked up. I remember when I first became sick, and for years after honestly, I SERIOUSLY thought *I* was not the one who was screwed up, but that everyone around me needed therapy instead. I probably even told my parents that they should go to therapy instead of me.
Still, my life just seems like my boring old life to me. I hardly seem as messed up as I actually have been in real life. Doesn’t everyone try to kill themselves these days?!? I mean really! Don’t most people have eating disorders? No? What? And the psychosis? Well, I know that isn’t *quite* normal, but it isn’t THAT bizarre once it happens to you. Only, it kind of is bizarre. I guess a little more strange than “normal.” I just have to laugh about it all. It seems so ridiculous! All of it. My whole life really seems spectacularly odd is all. I really can’t imagine a life more “normal” than mine. That is why I am always surprised when I talk about one little thing in my life and people look at me funny.
Anyway, back to the realizing you are fucked up in the head. If you are new to the business of realizing it, just take the time and let it sink in, because it takes a LONG LONG time to really let it absorb properly. I think it is because once pretty much ALL of us were in the “normal” spectrum, even the ones like me who eventually jump ship into crazy-land. It seems to me like everyone pretty much likes to be “normal” in some way, even if you are a “normal” tightrope walker or a “normal” person with blue hair who likes to hang from your piercings. There is still a community for your type of normal out there. When we are kids, we are all sort of “normal.” No one really says to their teacher “yah, I want to grow up to be the guy who walks around the streets talking to voices! YAH!!!”
A lot of people say “oh, you shouldn’t use terms like ‘normal’. No one is really ‘normal’ anyway!” But really, there are NORMAL people in the world, even if the term is somewhat corrupt, so I am going to use the word normal and I’m going to quit using quote marks around it by God! haha.
I know that I am somewhat normal in some ways, but in other ways not so much, and that is okay. We grow up thinking that we want to be superstars and the best of something, but no one really wants to be completely off the charts weird. I’m just going to say, you can survive being weird. You don’t have to be a superstar. It is just important to realize that in some ways you, or at least I, am different from normal people. Part of accepting my mental illness means accepting my non-normalness, because if you think you are normal, you most likely won’t take your medication, and for people like me, people with schizophrenia, you need to realize that medication will and does help if you are on the right meds.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It is just something I was thinking about as I was looking out the window today. Specifically, I was thinking with a chuckle how I used to think that it was everyone else who needed a psychiatrist and NOT me. And it was just so hard realizing how it was me that was messed up and me that needed help. That’s all.
Loud In the House of Myself: Memoir of a Strange Girl is a new book by Stacy Pershall. Of course, I was immediately drawn to this memoir, because it is a) a memoir b) about a “strange girl” and c) deals with mental illness. Yay! Since I’m undoubtably a strange mentally ill girl, I knew I had to read this. Pershall writes about her life growing up in Arkansas and her morphing from an über-sensitive child into a teenager and young adult with Borderline and Bipolar issues. Anyone familiar with the mental illness memoir genre will certainly have heard of Elizabeth Wurtzel, and I just bring her up, because UNLIKE Wurtzel, Pershall is not whiny in her writing! Pershall is matter-of-fact about her trials and symptoms, even though the reader can imagine the actual playing out of illness to be much more harsh and unbearable.
Pershall describes her unrelenting eating disorder, mood swings and suicide attempts with a steady and precise hand. This book seems really accessible to me, because Pershall speaks not only to those of us who have been through the mental health care system, but also to people who might not really understand this special weirdness. The only thing I would like to see more of in this book is more OF this book! haha. Seriously though, I enjoyed reading this memoir and would love to read more from Pershall. I would especially recommend this book to people struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a special misery only known by Borderlines that is never really represented in the books that ostensibly deal with Borderline Personality Disorder. I really wish there were more accounts like this that show the uncrazy through the crazy of Borderline Personality Disorder.
I seem to be one of the few liberal-ish people who thinks that the Arizona shooting had more to do with mental illness than politics, and I think it is kind of ironic that a great majority of the Left is talking about “dangerous” rhetoric while simultaneously throwing pejoratives about mental illness and the mentally ill around like “crazy.” Everything from “nutter” to “nutjob” to “lunatic,” “crazies,” “wacko” and every other euphemism for the mentally ill that you can think of—except a plain “mentally ill.” If the Left is really so worried about a culture of bad rhetoric, then I say they should go all the way or go home. In other words, stop calling mentally ill people disrespectful names (of course, the Right is rampant with this too). This kind of vilification of the mentally ill does exactly what the Left is talking about the rhetoric of gunning people down does—it objectifies people and dismisses their humanity. But, I guess that it is okay to diss the crazies, because we aren’t really people afterall are we? We are just wild animals that need to be chained and shot for the good of everyone. Well, that is what a lot of people seem to believe, especially when something tragic happens like the shooting in Arizona. What happened in Arizona was wrong and awful, but despite peoples’ desires to paint the tragedy into black and white terms where there is good on one side and evil on another, in reality the good and evil don’t exist. They are words we’ve made up to downplay and deny the complexities of situations that we have a difficult time understanding. We can do better.
It has been a long while since I’ve written about body acceptance. I sort of ran out of “steps” that I could think of. For me, it really is a process. I told my therapist that when it comes to weight, weightloss and size acceptance, I feel like I am walking on a balance beam. Not quite a tightrope, but still balancing nonetheless.
Over this past year quite a lot has changed. My blood sugar levels were elevated with an A1C level of 6.3, so my nurse practitioner qualified me as diabetic. She also did other blood work and discovered that I was really low in Vitamin D and that my thyroid was off (hypothyroidism ), so I started meds for those too. I decided that I was sick of people suggesting that I get a gastric bypass, and I felt like I really could be in better shape, so with the combo of meds for my thyroid and blood sugar, watching what I eat a little more, and getting a bit of exercise, I have lost some weight.
However, I still want to maintain my outlook as one of size-acceptance. I know it seems kind of weird to say I am for size-acceptance and still be trying to lose some weight. There really is no manual for this kind of thing, so I’m just working on it as best I can. I am taking steps to improve my health. I got my A1C level down to 5.3 (non-diabetic) so far and my other labs are looking better. I’m still taking meds, but I’m TRYING to take a bit better care of my body. I know that at my size I am not quite as healthy as I could be, but I also know that I am not going to starve myself and turn into a raging bulimic again to try to maintain and lose weight (well, I really hope not at any rate!!!).
But, it is hard in some respects, because when I do make some attempt to pay attention to what I am eating, all of those negative thoughts tend to come back to haunt me. Thoughts like if I eat something “bad” I am being a “bad” person. My therapist calls thoughts like that ANTS (automatic negative thoughts). You know, some months I might gain some weight or not lose weight, and I have to be okay with that.
As a person who has struggled with weight issues all of my life, it isn’t like losing weight is just a matter of calories in and calories out. It is a whole quilt of past experiences, thoughts and feelings related to weight and how I have dealt with things throughout my life as a fat person.
So, I feel like I’m in a process of understanding how to accept myself and my body while trying to take some steps to improve my health. For me, it is important to remember that at the end of the day, the whole world drifts away and what matters is how *I* feel and how *I* can function and accept my body in this life. So, maybe I want to lose some more weight, but I still eat. I still eat “bad” stuff and I’m not ever going to live on a diet of celery, that is for sure. I don’t want to give up my life and I don’t want to give up eating. I just want to live my life the best I can!
P.S. And just so you know I am not anywhere near skinny, I have posted a picture of myself that was taken a couple of days ago! lol
Okay, boys and girls.
Here is the link for the saddlebacking website: http://saddlebacking.com/
Basically, this term has been coined in protest to Rick Warren, a cowering homophobe, having been invited to speak at the presidential inauguration. For more background on the coinage of this term, see this link and scroll to the bottom.
I hope that you will help by making this term popular! Enjoy! :) hehe
I’m just going to say it: GOD DAMN DEPRESSION!!! It is so horrible that words cannot describe it, right? You know what I am saying. And, at this moment, I have no idea how many people out there are thinking about or attempting suicide. It is the great loss, the tragic loss…every suicide. I’ve tried wrapping my head around it. Tried thinking of it as someone’s way out of pain, but the truth is, each attempt, every moment spent toiling over it: TRAGIC.
I know that it feels like the only way to relieve the pain. Looking back on my own suicidal ideation and attempts, I can only wonder: WHAT WAS I THINKING!?! Okay, I know what I was thinking…tired. tired of being tired. tired of having this huge pain that I couldn’t really describe, this unending sorrow swallowing me whole. Tired of being a failure, and broke, and stupid, ugly, horrible, disgusting, friendless, and every other bad thing I could think to call myself. But, I don’t know, mostly I didn’t even care if I lived or died. These few pills will take away the pain? Okay, I’ll be dead and it won’t matter anymore. My big dillema was getting rid of my body without horrifying other people. Continue Reading Suicide…
Well, not only am I a schizophrenic, but I’m a regular girl type. The kind of girl you all know. Which means that growing up I had regular girl problems (not that eating disorders are girl-only problems), not just schizophrenic girl problems. I was a chubby kid. And then as a teenager I went on a crash diet right around the time I first started losing touch with reality. I essentially starved myself so the weight would come off, but then, my hair started to come off too. And, eventually Continue Reading So…the Bulimia….
Okay, you may wonder where I have been hiding. I’m sort of stymied for topics to write about right now and I have become addicted to America’s Next Top Model via YouTube uploads. Right now I am on Cycle 8. For me, watching ANTM is a complicated issue. Why? Because of the whole fat thing of course. How can I willingly spend Continue Reading Seriously Addicted to ANTM…
What is ironic is that I’m here in a hotel room in Seattle up late at night watching the movie “Awakenings” just as I finish my own participation in research related to my own mental illness Continue Reading Ironic…
I just finished reading Elyn R. Saks’ book, The Center Cannot Hold, and I highly recommend it to everyone, especially people who are touched by someone who has mental illness. The book is a memoir of Ms. Saks’ life and coming to terms with schizophrenia. From an early age she recalls having strange thoughts, but Continue Reading A Book Everyone Should Read!…
Well, it is that time of year: the holidays. I know that for people with eating disorders this can seem like the most terrible time of year. Whether you are facing holiday get-togethers with family, friends or co-workers or are just tempted by the food that is normally around, there is no doubt about it: if you have food issues these times will be hard. The thing I want to say about this is Continue Reading Steps To Body Acceptance #6…
You might be asked to participate in an eye tracking exercise like the one shown above. All of the equipment is just used to keep your head still and to track your eyes.
I just wanted to let you all know about this schizophrenia research study I am most likely going to be participating in and I hope that if any of you out there are interested, you will join in on the study! Well, as you might know, I got a new job at schizophrenia.com. Well, one day I was visiting the site and an ad popped up looking for research participants for this schizophrenia research study! Here is the link: http://www.schizophreniaresearch.net/Involved.asp
Unfortunately, at this time it isn’t an Continue Reading Schizophrenia Research I’m Participating In…
Okay, I have to admit this. College has really been the pits for me. It just wasn’t all I thought it was cracked up to be. I’ve gone to let me count them now…six different colleges for one huge spree of undergraduate education. I’m approximately $46,000 in debt and I have NO IDEA how I am going to pay that bill. Part of the Continue Reading College: The Pits…
<Sleeping graphic from HowStuffWorks.com>
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this tip before. Probably because I haven’t mastered this and should really follow my own advice about it. Plus my dad likes to harp on me about my problem with this a lot…which just irritates me. On with tip 10. Continue Reading Tips And Tricks For Surviving A Mental Illness #10…
The following videos are by Rob aka deidzoeb, a person from YouTube. His wife, Melinda, aka melsbasketcase, is also a YouTuber and Melinda has schizophrenia. She does well when she is properly medicated, but a lot of people go on her channel and try to convince her that her drugs are poison and that she should stop taking them. I hope you will watch all three of Rob’s great videos about Psychiatry Denial. He does a great job of showing how psychiatry deniers are simply wrong and how they try to take choice away from people with serious mental illnesses. I have included all three videos here. Please click to find them. Continue Reading Common Fallacies of Psychiatry Deniers…
Well, it is taking me a little more time to come up with steps for body acceptance, because I don’t want to end up repeating myself here. I have a couple of steps that I’ve been thinking about, but I can’t really remember them at the moment, so I’m going to go with one that really struck me today as I was watching someone’s video on youtube where they were talking about being skinny. Continue Reading Steps To Body Acceptance #5…
Well, I think I have covered most of the basics regarding mental illness, or at least the ideas I had right off the top of my head. But, I haven’t covered this next topic yet, so here we go with number nine: Continue Reading Tips And Tricks For Surviving A Mental Illness #9…
I don’t really know how many of these steps there are going to be. I kind of just write about them as they pop into my head even though I may have given them some more thought previously. Anyway, on with step number four. Step number four has to do with dealing with the people you may encounter in your life and the people who are important to you. Just like Continue Reading Steps To Body Acceptance #4…
I just found this page with a LOT of links to shopping sites for fat people (women and men). Some of these sites I have never even heard of. And there is Continue Reading Another Fat People Shopping Resource…
Okay, seriously, if I hear ONE more person tell me that Continue Reading Fat Fat Fattie Fatterson Fattie Fatpants!…
Let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of places to shop for clothes if you wear anything over size 12 and even fewer places to shop if you wear over size 28! So, I just wanted to talk about a few of the places that I have found for clothing and what I do and don’t like about those places. I hope this helps anyone who is looking for something to wear. I will mostly be talking about places that carry up to size 34/38/44. Continue Reading Fat Grrl Shopping: Sizes 12-44…